Lingering

I now understand why it took my parents 30 minutes after church to finally put on their coats and say goodbye to their friends, why they’d linger in the doorway after they’d already told me goodnight. Oh, 12-year-old Amy, linger with them. Eat at the table. Let the food get cold in the name of good conversation. What’s the hurry to say goodnight?

One day you’ll be 21 and you’ll speak to a loved one for the very last time. You’ll replay that conversation for the rest of your life, wishing you’d lingered, wishing you’d waited a few moments longer to say goodbye.

Then you’ll start loving people in a way that never occurred to you as a child. You’ll watch your best friend walk down the aisle and you'll be so happy you can feel the memory burning into your brain in real time. You'll want to pause the wedding so you can collect more details. You’ll get lunch with a friend who’s going through a hard time, and as you warm up in your car after saying goodbye, you watch her hustle across the parking lot in the cold. Her hair blowing in her face, her eyes tired, her hands fumbling through her purse, and she's so beautiful and strong. You’ll want to get out of the car to hug her and tell her again: I’m here for you, I love you.

Then your dad will be on a roadtrip, or your husband will be on an airplane, or your sister will be out drinking with friends and your brain can’t stop swirling with the thought of something terrible happening. Like a scab you’re not supposed to pick but you can’t help it and suddenly the worst case scenario is playing out in your head and you can’t stop the hemorrhaging. They'll get home safely and during your next conversation you'll take in every syllable of every word they say.

12-year-old Amy, you will often think about all the moments you missed because you were in such a hurry to get home, to get to your room, to get out of the house, to get older… you’ll wish you let people hold your hand. You’ll realize the days are actually so short, but people are so lovely. One more round, ten more minutes, I don’t have to leave quite yet, I love you, you know that? And then you’ll linger when it’s time to say goodbye.